I just want to say that, today (on the Hebrew calendar), my youngest child is a birthday boy. Every birth is a mother's re-birth. His was a completion for me. I was deeply satisfied and empowered. He was my precious and treasured boy. He was long awaited and prayed for, daily.
I went through 4 miscarriages. I didn't tell people about them all, it was hard enough to just live it quietly.
Staying pregnant was a problem. I was pregnant 6 times. I could have been the mother of six. But, I was blessed with two precious boys. And for this, I am grateful.
We celebrate birthdays with love. I celebrate the beauty of my motherhood and his growing up.
But quietly, I dream of four other birthdays I will never celebrate. I don't have daughters- were they girls? Or, would any have had my mother-in-law's big blue eyes? Would they harmonize our Shabbat tunes? Would we have danced in the living room to all the music that moves us? I will never know. When the doctor said: You're on modified bedrest from month 5- with #2- I said okay, I'll do anything to keep this baby in.
Miscarriages are love lost and hopes dashed, names gone away, and futures not fulfilled.
Every birth is a mother's re-birth and a future waiting to be lived.
Birthdays heal me a bit, thrill me a lot and give me another day to be deeply thankful for the children that I get to live with- every day.
Of Miscarriages and Birthdays
by Binah Baby on March 13th, 2010
Posted in motherhood Tagged with no tags
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