It takes many forms, and exists for a variety of reasons. Children tend to recognize it more readily than do their parents, and it is more common during times of family stress, particularly of the sort that results from marriage problems. When it is not recognized and addressed, it can create long-term emotional problems and can devastate family relationships. “It” is favoritism, and it is far more common than we might like to think.

When parents are surveyed on the subject of favoritism, nearly all respondents say that despite their best efforts to the contrary, they have favored one child over another at least occasionally. They also typically admit that they know favoritism is hurtful to children and that they try to avoid it as much as possible. Some parents, however, remain blissfully unaware of the possibility that they sometimes act in ways that reveal a bias toward or against one of their children, even though it may be blatantly obvious to others. “I see the frustration and behavior problems in our oldest child resulting from the favoritism their father shows our youngest child,” said one parent in response to a recent survey on the topic. “It is a very serious problem in our family.”

Indeed, it is a serious problem in any family where it is an entrenched pattern, and it affects everyone. Unfavored children have consistently been shown to exhibit high levels of depression and aggressive behaviors, and a reduced sense of self-worth and social responsibility. But favored children are usually quite as well aware of parents’ preferences as less favored children, and they are not immune to the harmful effects.

A painstaking examination of data from three separate North American studies addressed this point by looking at the effects of favoritism on multiple children in the family and comparing results across, as well as within, a total of 5,488 families. Published in the September 2004, issue of the journal Child Development, the review found that, on average, parental favoritism had negative effects on all children—not just unfavored siblings. These effects were categorized primarily as “externalizing” behaviors, which refers to emotional-behavioral problems that show themselves in the form of antisocial and aggressive conduct, but effects in cognitive ability (specifically related to verbal reasoning) were also apparent.

This news should not surprise us. Common sense alone should suggest that favored children might be insecure about their own “privileged” status, since they would easily be able to observe the unjust and unpredictable nature of the parent’s treatment of other children. Researchers also suggest the privileged child may even feel empathy, or even guilt, for the “underprivileged” sibling’s experiences; or feel the loss of what might otherwise have been a close sibling relationship. There is a solid basis for the latter suggestion: It is well known among child development researchers that preferential treatment by parents seriously undermines the relationship between siblings, a relationship that otherwise has the potential to provide tremendous benefits throughout their lives. (See “My Brother’s Keeper: Ending Sibling Rivalry.”)

One point is worth emphasizing at this stage, however. Just because parents may treat children differently does not mean their actions are necessarily “preferential.” Preferential treatment is that which leaves a child feeling less loved, or less favored than another, and even very young children are quick to notice this type of injustice. On the other hand, it may be impossible—as well as impractical—for parents to treat their children exactly the same (with perfect equality) because of differences in age and other individual needs. Differential treatment in these situations does not necessarily lead to favoritism, but there are certain factors parents can and should be on guard against.

For instance, youngest children are favored more often than older or middle children, a fact that researchers attribute to earlier-developed social skills. Theoretically, youngest children become more sensitive to social nuances as they work to establish an identity that is unique from the siblings who have come before. As a result, they may seem “easier” to love; less challenging to parents. On the other hand, some research suggests that first-borns have other distinct advantages which could potentially predispose them to favoritism instead. Not so for middle children, however. Research is consistent in pegging a child in this birth position as the least likely to advance over siblings in parents’ favor. Unless, that is, she happens to be the only girl among boy siblings. Parents tend to show more warmth toward less aggressive children, and in most families with mixed-gender children, these most often tend to be girls. Children with serious health problems or disabilities may also be predisposed to favoritism, since they require more attention from parents. And in step-families, biological children may be favored over step-children, although the reverse occurs as well.

Fortunately, children are quite capable of understanding that older, younger, step- or disabled siblings may have different needs than they do, particularly when parents take the time to explain why this is true, to assure them that it doesn’t reflect a difference in how much they are loved, or even to involve them in age-appropriate caretaking activities. This may be particularly important after the birth of a new child, when older children may feel “displaced” in the parents’ affections. When the needs of each child are met—as different as those needs may be—children typically will not perceive a parent’s differing treatment as evidence of favoritism, and it seems to be the perception of favoritism that is most instrumental in creating conflict among siblings.

In families where treatment of all children is fairly negative, one child may be indirectly favored, not because of actual parental preference, but simply by virtue of the fact that he or she isn’t the most frequent target of blame. Subtle “coalitions” may even form between the favored child and one or both parents, with the result that the less favored child is scapegoated and bullied by the whole family, particularly in those families with multiple relational problems. Alternatively, the scapegoated child may respond with resentment and aggression toward the “preferred” sibling.

Although there are far too many families who have experienced this extreme and disturbing level of preferential treatment, most parents do understand that all of their children crave their love and attention and they try hard to satisfy this universal hunger equitably. But doing so requires that parents become keenly aware of each child’s needs and that they carefully consider how to address them. Otherwise it becomes all too easy to misjudge the gap between the levels of need that may exist between children, inadvertently creating a sense of favoritism.

For example, a father who has no difficulty hugging a preschool daughter may fail to notice that his adolescent son also craves physical signs of support, encouragement and even physical affection from him. Other families may make the mistake of dividing their effort and attention along gender lines. Certainly, parents will spend some time mentoring a child of the same sex, but it should not be assumed that a child of the opposite sex doesn’t need just as much of our time. Sons benefit greatly from time spent with mothers, and daughters benefit just as much from time spent with fathers. (See "Like Father, Like . . . Daughter?".)

Unfortunately, children may still perceive favoritism where parents are sure they have been even-handed. While in some cases it may be the child’s perception that needs to be worked with and changed, it is important for parents to entertain the idea that it may be their own perception that is biased. “Parents who have genuinely tried to avoid favoritism are always distressed when their children believe that they have favorites,” says Peter Goldenthal, in Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring, and Compassionate. Director of Child and Family Therapy at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, Goldenthal recommends that parents try not to be defensive if this occurs. “Instead of leaping to defend yourself against what may seem like an attack on your parental love,” he advises, “be curious. Try to find out what makes your child believe that you care more about his sister, would rather spend time with her, or appreciate her talents more.” This approach may help us uncover biases we didn’t even know we had—and may allow us to respond to our children’s needs more effectively.

But what if a parent has more in common with one child in particular? Suppose the two share the same interests, and they just naturally gravitate toward one another? Is it really reasonable to expect a parent not to have a favorite child? Can parents really succeed at loving children equally?

Turning these questions around, we could ask: Isn’t it possible for us to change our feelings about people? Can’t we learn to love people with whom we have little in common? Isn’t it worthwhile to learn to enjoy new activities simply to connect with someone we love?

These questions are important for parents to ask themselves, because regardless of whether other physical needs of children may differ, their need for love and support from parents does not. Each of our children has an equal need for us to show them we are interested in supporting their strengths and encouraging their activities, and our ability to do this has little if anything to do with how much like us they are. As one of Goldenthal’s clients eventually realized, “going to a museum with his son did not require that he be especially interested in art, only that he be especially interested in his son.”

Being interested in their children equally requires parents to appreciate the particular blend of talents, abilities and personality strengths that makes each child unique. Unfortunately, parents often sabotage their own success by making comparisons among their children. Labeling one child “the creative one” and another “the math genius” can stimulate each child to feel jealous of the other’s talent. “All comparisons, even positive ones, have two problems,” writes Goldenthal. “They pigeonhole children, limiting their freedom to discover for themselves who they are, what attracts their interest, and in what areas they have the potential to excel. They feed competition among siblings. We can recognize our children’s unique capacities if we acknowledge who they are and what they can do without any sort of comparison.” Doing so benefits both parents and children. In addition to helping parents appreciate their children as individuals, honest and realistic praise that avoids comparison allows children to focus on the pleasure of mastering new skills and of contributing to the welfare of others. Parents who attune appropriately to the needs of all their children without partiality help them attune to the needs of siblings, peers and society at large in the same way. Such parents also help their children develop a positive sense of their potential. (See “Helping Children Develop a Positive Sense of Self.”)

In contrast, parents who consistently favor one child over another risk leaving the unfavored child feeling unloved, unwanted and unworthy of affection. Most parents would never wish to be cruel to a child—but favoritism can hurt very cruelly—and it is all too easy for parents to overlook.

For this reason it is important for parents to take inventory of their behaviors toward each of their children. Do we frequently find ourselves responding negatively toward a particular child; regularly using sarcasm or feeling irritated with him or her? Do we label one child as “the difficult one,” or perhaps find it less natural to show affection to one child in comparison to others? Do we notice ourselves overreacting toward any of our children more consistently than others? If these questions are difficult to answer with any certainty, it may be helpful to ask a close friend or relative whether they have noticed differences in the way we treat our children.

If we do suspect we have been less than equitable with our love and affection, the good news is that it is well within our power to change our attitude and the situation. One strategy might be to write down positive and negative traits of all our children. If we are unable to come up with an equal number of positive traits for each, it may be helpful to ask teachers, friends or relatives what they admire about the less favored child. It is also important to be honest about the shortcomings in the favored child, who is probably not any more perfect than the less favored child or children.

As we take a more balanced view of our children, also balancing the time we spend with each, it will eventually become natural for us to distribute our love and affection equally. The result will be well worth the effort. When each child is loved for the unique person he or she is, the stage is set for close sibling relationships and healthy family relationships in general. There is no greater gift parents can give to their children or to themselves.

On Becoming Babywise

What is the Babywise method?

The Babywise method indicates you should feed on schedule every 3-4 hours (depending on age) rather than on demand from the first day of your baby’s birth. It is also routine-based that indicates that you should eat-play-sleep, in that order, every time. This means that your baby wakes up, you feed him, your baby plays, then goes to sleep and repeat this all day long. The book outlines how long between feedings at various ages and indicates your baby should sleep through the night from an early age (around 8 to 12 weeks, for the most part).

The idea behind the eat-play-sleep routine is that your baby will know what to expect every day, providing predictability and security to both of you, will take a full feeding since he is not too sleepy falling asleep while eating, and will not associate feeding with sleeping (a common reason for baby sleep problems), and have a much better/happier awake period being both full and rested.

Babywise Criticism

So, what’s the problem? Because of how strict the Babywise routine can appear to be, the AAP has indicated that babies are at higher risk to be diagnosed “failure to thrive” and become dehydrated. The feeding schedule is considered stringent with feedings every 3 hours from birth (4 hours once your baby is older). Die hard Babywise enthusiasts will delay feeding their baby until the “right” time rather than on demand even if baby is hungry. Attachment parenting advocates would say this is disrespectful of the baby by not feeding on cue. After all, it’s not like your baby can go to the pantry to eat like you can when you’re hungry.

In addition, sleep-wise, the Babywise Method is considered even more harsh than Ferber, in some ways, because Babywise advocates letting your baby cry in 20-minute intervals, even as a newborn (Ferber says to wait until 4 to 6 months). In order to get to an eat-play-sleep routine AND have feedings every 3-4 hours, depending on age, your baby needs to be napping in fairly long intervals (1-2 hours each time or so). Of course, we know that not all babies nap for long periods (some babies won’t nap at all) and short naps are common up through 6 months old. If your baby wakes up early from a nap, Babywise indicates you should allow your baby to cry to go back to sleep, even at a young age. Considering some people are thoroughly against cry it out methods to begin with, allowing your newborn to cry for 20 minutes is a lot to ask a new mom, in many cases, even if that same parent may decide to do cry it out when their baby is older.

Why Babywise may not be right for your baby

In some ways I think Babywise gets a bad rap in that it states VERY clearly that if your baby is hungry sooner than the “scheduled” time, then you should feed him. As with anything else, I think some people are more prone to follow books to the letter than others. Or, maybe they just didn’t read that page (or pages). Or, maybe they didn’t read the book at all and heard about the method from a friend. With any book, including mine(!), you still need to apply what YOU know about YOUR baby and make modifications. No one knows your situation or your baby better than you do. It is possible to do eat-play-sleep but not be so stringent that you HAVE to feed your baby as soon as she wakes up, for example. As long as you use the correct amount of awake time, it’s fine to feed her 15 minutes after she wakes, if she’s not hungry because she doesn’t take a two hour nap.

Some babies, simply can NOT wait 3 hours between feedings until they're months old (not weeks) and they actually never got to 4 hours between milk feedings. I feel that it’s a healthier way to learn to eat when you’re hungry and not let yourself get TOO hungry that you overeat. But, that’s just my personal philosophy. Even now at 5 and 3, they eat something roughly every 2 1/2 hours due to how active they are and I am okay with that (after all “they” say to eat more frequent smaller meals, right? I do the same).

My boys also did NOT take two hour naps, either, and sticking to awake times that were outside my eldest’s comfort zone was out of the question. Add in that babies get older and can stay up longer between sleep, but not necessarily wait longer to eat, and it can be difficult to make Babywise work for every baby. There are a variety of reasons that your baby may or may not “fit” in with the Babywise Method. It doesn’t mean you can’t borrow from Babywise and make your own routine, though, if you do yearn for predictability or feel your baby would benefit from it! Maybe you do eat-play-sleep-read-eat-play-sleep-read… Maybe you do eat-play-sleep-walk-eat… there are many ways you can make a routine without it being a particular book’s routine. Make it work for you and your baby.

As for sleep, I wasn’t willing to let my newborns cry for more than a few minutes, let alone 20 minutes. Does that mean that you can’t use Babywise? No. Simply work on the routine and helping your baby learn to sleep in the gentlest way possible. As your baby gets older, her brain will mature, sleep will organize, and she will be able to learn how to self-soothe. Even if Babywise isn’t exactly right for you, it doesn’t mean you can’t find something that is.

If you got Babywise to work for you, that’s great! For others, their baby will be hungry, possibly nap even worse due to being hungry, nursing mothers may have low milk supply going too long between feedings, or you may just find it impossible to get your baby to nap long enough to get to the next “eat” time. If you can’t get it to work, don’t feel like you’ve failed at all. Just find your baby’s own routine and plan to use books as guides, and not as the end all, be all.

Many mothers feel like they are an all day entertainment center. They feel responsible for stimulating their babies all day long. Parents often comment that they feel guilty or lazy when they are not involved in talking, singing, shaking rattles and playing peek-a-boo. They worry that a baby sitting in a bouncy seat or laying on a blanket just looking around is a neglected child or an under stimulated one. Not so.

When you think about the world from the perspective of your baby, everything is new and therefore, interesting. From the play of light on the wall, to the sights on the street to just sitting in the kitchen. Learning and growth happens as a natural part of existing in your environment. So it is not necessary for you to work so hard at playing and talking the entire time your baby is awake. Just coexisting quietly is important too.

Of course, it is important to carve out a couple blocks of time each day where you can be totally tuned in to your baby and take part in playing with him in a focused way. Listening to music, exploring toys together, clapping hands and waving bye bye, being tickled and kissed. You showing him the world and the world of relationships. Remember that babies can easily become overstimulated, so you want to be watchful not to introduce too many new things to him at once, and to tone down the interaction if he appears to look or pull away, cry or fuss. These are all signs that he may be overstimulated.

Your most important job is teaching your baby how to be in a relationship, the give and take, the ebb and flow, teaching him he is adored. All the other learning happens very naturally just from being in the world.